I can pinpoint the date I lost my Christian faith

April 3, 2009
North Carolina, six more hours to go
     Death is inevitable.
     I repeat this in my head whenever I’m travelling. My weight is being moved at seventy a mile. I’m not home; I’m not on my land. 
     Yet, what is staying on my land uncomfortable comfort zone compared to the pride of experience and the gain of knowledge? Balance? Status quo? What is having land if your land isn’t blessed?
     Moving only makes sense for someone who is Godless: seeking for a spiritual power and failing, then immaturely crying over the inability to find what they once had. Those who are foreign to this social belonging shouldn’t be. The grass doesn’t grow long enough for the cows to feed without the sun. The heart doesn’t grow warm enough to house the Holy Spirit without those doubts. Right?
     I’ve always been a young woman of pride- pride for my work and pride for my home. Pride houses my comfort, but could my pride of knowing persist somewhere outside of my land? My comfort zone? My state?
     Nothing would ever happen if my ultimate truths changed. If I expand my knowledge and my mind, the sun will wash over the rolling hills as it always has. The blades of grass will grow taller. The cows would be grazing.
     If nature’s course would take my life, nothing would happen. The beauty would still glisten over the Carolinas.
     And, if I would perish in accepted reasonings, my land would still saturate in the Holy Spirit I have been unable to accept for some years. My roof would still be shrouded in peaceful benedictions. My windows- glazed in echoes of prayer. 
     If I would die, my pride of knowing the answer to the ultimate question would fall with me. 
     That’s why I can’t navigate what isn’t my fault. My hands cannot labor what isn’t learned and what isn’t learnable. My heart can’t change its facts as my mind does everyday; Like it ever was created to do so. 
     I justified this by making up my mind and deciding it was my fault. I must have did something to change my thinking patterns. Having an answer should erase the scribbles of other opportunities and reasons why. Jesus, I’m thinking like a seven year old. 
     If my pride and spirituality can balance each other out one day, I can make anywhere my home. I can be at peace with my new knowledge and experiences as well as moving on from my young life and being content with not knowing all the answers to life’s questions. I’ll start growing a confidence tree for my major life decisions. I’ll stop thinking like a seven year old. I’ll finally move on.

December 15, 2008

The final day the Earth stood still
Illuminated shine, 
A Priestess then had told the shrill,
The shrieking paradigm;

“For you hath sinned against God’s will
And punish you he must!”
“Confess! Confess! Immoral thrills
and unforgotten lust!”

“Now is time!” she preached to them,
“So climb into my hands!”
As if she knew what wrath would stem
In these, his restless lands

So in they climbed, their feet and palms
Were hanging off the side;
So quietly they read their psalms
And followed unknown guide

So smart the people must have lived
To have her fail and still forgive

Published by Stephanie Staup

Healer and lover first. Human second.

3 thoughts on “I can pinpoint the date I lost my Christian faith

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